Those that can't do, write.

Someone sharper than me once noted that, for most people, the Internet is just a place to display your fetish, your favorite anything. Here's mine for the day. The anti-sports column.

My inaugural entry is dedicated to the athletically frustrated sportswriters of the world. The irony, that I am not a sportswriter, and yet I am critiquing them, does not escape me.

Let's begin with Bode Miller. We all know he was raised by wolves in a treehouse, but more importantly, he won a zillion races last year and decided to enjoy his sport a little differently this season. Mostly by wearing women's underwear under his ski suit, but also by drinking beer and playing cards on sunday. Furthermore, he doesn't stay in the dorms with the other kids, but rather, in a 1964 VW Microbus in the parking lot, totally trashing his teammates' "wingman" opportunities. He lost his World Cup in a taxi, and uses his medals to open microbrews. He doesn't spend the race weekend looking twitchy in a mountainside tent, listening to his iPod, and talking about the conditions AGAIN. No, he hits the snooze button until noon and rolls to the starting gate unwashed. What I'm saying is that he's not angling for a spot on the Wheaties box.

Newsflash: This is America, a country that was pretty much seeded with folks that didn't play well with others.

But apparently, he offends some people. A US Ski Coach thinks he's wasting his opportunity, a line he lifted from the coach in Dazed and Confused. But that's nothing compared to the indignation suffered by the sportswriters of America:

In just a bit less than two minutes on a brilliantly sunny day in the mountains of northern Italy, Bode went from ski hero to ski bum."
-- Mike Celizic, MSNBC

5th place in the Olympics. What a loser.

"All that for this? The outrageous statements? The controversies? The magazine covers? For fifth place in the men's Olympic downhill? Dude, if you talk the talk, you have to be able to ski the ski."
-- Rick Morrissey, Chicago Tribune

Rick Morrissey is in love with Bode Miller. I can tell because when Chicago had a half dozen NBA Championships, what did Rick write about? He wrote about Dennis Rodman. About how he shouldn't be on the team. Shouldn't be in the NBA. Shouldn't even be. He poured so much ink ranting about Rodman that it made me realize that he was in love with the Bad Boy. I see that his righteous indignation is showing again, which means Rick must have a new crush. Besides, talking the talk without walking anything is an activity reserved for sportswriters.

"But when has the 28-year-old American ever made sense? Instead [of laying low], the renegade skier, who seems intent these days on blowing up his career and whatever image he was able to muster on the World Cup circuit last year, was spotted hanging out in a pub until midnight Saturday, the night before the men's downhill."
-- Ed Moran, Philadelphia Daily News

That's right, he blew up his career and his image is what's important here. Doesn't he know that he has a responsibility to be a role model? I mean, that's great that he works at his old summer camp every year, but it's more important not to be seen in a tavern. What will the kids think? Ed, I don't know about you, but the night before a fairly meaningless race, I get a little nervy, and a beer or two takes the edge off and helps me get some sleep. I can't imagine a World Champion skier has his own methods to manage such pressure.

What matters is Miller was not fast enough, leaving the single greatest title of the Olympics on the hill for a French surprise named Antoine Deneriaz. What Deneriaz will do with the gold medal is of little interest from here on. What Miller will do without it is more compelling."
-- Bernie Lincicome, Rocky Mountain News

What does one "do" with a gold medal, aside from preening for the cameras or trolling for action in the Olympic Village? Do you honestly think this guy is going to cry himself to sleep for the next 50 years? He seems pretty comfortable with his decisions thus far. He came off the mountain saying, in effect, that if he had done everything right, he still would have been second. Sounds pretty adjusted to me.

Apparently when you don the US Olympic badge, you're supposed to give up your free will and start acting the part. I'm not a rabid groupie, just trying to stand up for his right to do whatever the hell he wants with his life. Despite what he may have done in training, he beat a bunch of other skiers for the right to represent the US. It's not like a committee bumped someone more deserving off the team, and then had to backtrack to put them back on, right?

He is an athlete for his own reasons. I don't know what they are, but probably not to please sportswriters, the US Ski committee, or anyone else. Is he arrogant? I don't know, but since when do we hold athletes, especially champions, accountable for being arrogant? If so, these writers could take a closer look at the NFL, where it's now common practice for third string running backs to do an end zone dance after gaining a few yards.